Do I?

Do I still make you proud? Do you well? Keep you satisfied?
Do you still think of me as strong?
Do you know how hard I've tried?
I miss your good praise and the way you used to read to me.
The way you gave me sympathy far beyond what anyone else could see.
The way you would read when there was not much else to do.
Let this future bring us memories anew.

:)
randomoscity:
Kayla, I love you.

Just know

I have tried my hardest for you.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in anger but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.
Love never fails.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Hearing these words preached to you, explaining love and all it's limits, explaining all it's rights because love does no wrong, is so great. I want to know what love is, what peoples' opinions of love are, what loves means. I wish I had the patience to read the Bible and know the answers to life's lessons the way this verse brings me answers. It's the definition of the person I would like to be, the way I would like to love someone. Hopefully I have been able to accomplish a few of things, even if not as fully as I have liked. I know that no one is perfect and that no relationship is quite the same. But, I do know that I would love to accomplish the goal of opening someone up to love, opening someone up to a great friendship. Not just a great friendship in its literal meaning, but great. Unexplainable, unfathomable, something hard not to love. I want to open someone up to change. Open them up to a new world, full of trust, and honesty. If I could always protect, always trust, always hope, and always preserve, I think I could move some small, but mighty mountains. I wish I could get the world to listen to the love that the people I focus on deserve.
No one could ever understand the love that these 4 people deserve. I won't limit it to 4, because there's definitely a bigger group of people I wish to reach, but 4 people specifically that have molded me into who I am because they are who they are. They may not understand, comprehend, or fathom, but change has come upon me and for all the right reasons. I no longer hide from my strengths, but rather shine out through my weaknesses. I no longer resist help, even though I continue to fight it sometimes. I no longer hold back my fear, pain, struggle, or tears, but rather let someone pull them out of me until I feel happiness.
Yes, I put myself through an unreasonable amount of blame, hate, fear, pain, and worry than I need to, but it's all for the right reasons, right? To succeed in making others feel the happiness I wish the whole world could feel. So, if you know me on more than just a friendly level, and know that I stress out a lot, worry a lot, and maybe get upset often, I hope you understand it's because I never want to let someone else feel that pain. I take it on because I know that I will handle it at some point. That's all really I guess, even though this "rant" is fairly long.

I love you.

And because I love writing so much..

Half mooned crescents and fully lit stars.
They light up this night sky.
And as we lay under this natural beauty,
You begin to cry and ask me why.
Why do things turn around and go the other way?
And why does God give humans so many wrong things to say?
But lay here with me longer, and I will try to explain.
I will explain that God does not make the wrong words, but He makes the right people for us.
...I will explain that if you give me your hand, I will give you my trust.
Yes, it has been hard.
And these years, they have been long.
But I swear under these stars, if you let me in, I will do my best to say nothing wrong.
You are one in a million, just like these stars above.
You are so very rare, like the feeling of an ideal love.
You have no clue, but you have changed who I am.
You could never ever fathom, but I want to be there more than anyone can.
Don't let anyone tell you you can't turn things around.
Because we're on a train towards the better, and it's future bound.
Hold on tight to the arm I provide, and don't turn around, run away, or hide.
You are love, and I am letting it fill my cup.
You have struggled, now let me be the one to fix you up.

I enjoy

the feeling I get when I know other people are happy.

I'm sorry if I could never make you happy, or ever keep you up.
I'm sorry if I gave too little, or never gave enough.
You were my air, and I only wanted to breathe all of you in.
Your presence made me happier than I have ever been.

I'm sorry if I was never with you enough, or sometimes let you down.
I'm sorry if I was inconvenient or never was around.
You were my light, so bright. You never ever burnt out.
Your guided path kept me focused and safe from any doubt.

I don't regret not saving you, or keeping you from the bottom.
I don't regret my letters, or loving you more than you could fathom.
I only wished to keep you happy, see you smile, make you laugh a bit.
And I hope you know I miss those things more than I could ever admit.

If you don't remember us, I hope you remember the concept of you and me.
If you don't remember why, I hope you remember what I used to see.
If you don't remember the beginning or the end, I hope you remember the very first day.
And if you don't remember anything, then what more can I say?

Things I'm Excited For.

-Figuring out my future with culinary school.
-The fact that HOOTS really didn't get cancelled.
-Driving to Asbury with Amanda and seeing Abbie once we get there.
-Candlelight on Sunday.
-Getting sleep tonight.
-To talk to Peyton once she gets off work.
-The day my body decides not to be clutzy.
-My interview at Friendly's on Monday.
-Seeing my dad next weekend.
-Hopefully seeing Sam and Jeani and Nina this weekend.
-Working the banquet with Kiosha and Lee on Monday night and getting paid for it.
-The opportunity to make money.
-Serving the Boys tomorrow on there Chrysalis flight and watching them all fly.
-Watching Chopped on the Food Network.
-An hour car trip all on my own.
-Being back at Asbury.
-And oh, did I mention being with everyone at HOOTS tomorrow? :D

"And Heaven knows, Heaven knows I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do, it would be a lie to run away.
So blood is fire pulsing through our veins.
We're either riders or fools behind the reigns.
I've spent ten years trying to sing it all away, but the water keeps on falling from my tries."
-Jon Foreman

February 11,

And today was NOT a snow day, unfortunately.

But if we're being honest, we all know I prefer Almost Heaven. :)

<-------

The day went faster than planned, and it was nice.

So, laying here I realized that life does not wait around for you to figure out what your next move will be. It does not slow down, rewind, or fast foward. Life is not easy, nor is it hard. Obviously I know that if life had rewind play fast foward and stop buttons, life would not be what it was created to be. But how is it to really, truly accept life as it is. Don't we all want to have the power to create life as we plan it in our minds? To personally hold each situation in your hands, careful not to drop it, and mold it into what works for you? What if life really was what we made it? Who would be your friend, your enemy, your love?

Well, as much as many situations in my life don't often work out in a favor I prefer, I am happy to admit my life has very much so been worth living.

For every lost opportunity,

every goodbye,

more importantly every hello,

Every decision,

and all the moments I felt alive...

Thank you.

I wouldn't have chosen to live this life without you.

It's Been Awhile

But my internet is finally back.
Things have been fine, but stressful.
School, finding a job, friendships.
But today, is my birthday. :)
And today will be good.
I've been up since 5:30 due to the fact that I thought we would have school, but really we don't. Snow day on my birthday? Whaaat?
I'll get a day with everyone, and everything will be good.
Current thought on my mind: Why do hampsters have to be nocturnal? :)

If you read this, my birthday wish: Conor Oberst, here and now.

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I weren't so worried about letting go. Easier most likely. But what does it take to really let go, ya' know? Forgive? Forget? Remember? I'm not too sure, but the days I think about it, I begin to wonder...What if we all could just forgive?