To A New Friend:

How did I get so suddenly blessed with someone like you? You make life more enjoyable, more fun, easier. I can suddenly rely on someone new, someone who gets me, someone who wants to get to know me too. You make me feel good about myself, you give me moments to enjoy. In a few words you're:

-refreshing.
-enjoyable.
-lovable.
-genuine.
-stunning, internally, externally.
-hilarious.
and most definitely
-caring.

Just...thank you so much for giving me something new to believe in. You're great and be prepared to know it :)
I love you.

Let's face it

You run me around in circles, and eventually I realized it. Peachy keen is all your style and there's too much going on for me to feel the same. If only you knew what thoughts go through my head, then maybe you would understand me. I am sorry for making you feel the way you do, I am. And I hope by the end, you'll understand how difficult I take things too.

I hope and pray that all these situations work themselves out.

Ps. I love my sister.

Just writing.

Every day brings a new sense of wonder.
Every day I have more and more about you to discover.
Who is to say it's the better things I see?
When you obviously don't know the better parts of me.
You seem to rush whenever things go wrong.
And when you're with other people, I feel as if I'm there to "tag along."
For the longest time, I've let the bad things just pass by.
For the longest time, there were times you'd pass, but not say hi.
You're a bigger person than me so to speak.
You've been popular since your high school career hit it's peak.
And sometimes I feel like I'm too small for someone like you.
It's not what I want to say, but it's only the truth.
Every day brings a new sense wonder.
Every day I have more and more about us to discover.

For if you don't know

I'm happy to be able to finally stick up for myself, and stick to what I know is right. I've been waiting for years to be able to do things for myself without messing everything up. But now, I'm not afraid to lose what I'm used to in order to achieve self-happiness. It's a great feeling...to feel proud of myself for once. I do care. It's something I've always done. I don't mean to do it. I don't mean to say goodbye, but it's something that can't be avoided I suppose when it comes to caring for myself.

I can't stand around and let myself be taken advantage of..by anyone or anything. It's no more.

But for if you don't know..I do care. I do.



I Finally Am!

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye is the hardest part
leaving the ones who know you best.
Saying goodbye is rough from the start
when you've known them forever, been put through the test.

Goodbye is no easy thing.
It's something you've never imagined.
Goodbye seems like some little fling.
Except they've helped pave your path in.

Your path is to the future, your path is to the heart.
You want to take them with you, but the future forces you apart.
Your path leads you outwards, to the new people, new places, new life.
You have to find new people, new things that are willing to carry your strife.

Saying goodbye will lead up to new "hellos".
Saying goodbye will lead us there.
Saying goodbye is a part of the process even though it seems unfair.
Saying goodbye, no one wants to do it.
Saying goodbye, why with us?
Saying goodbye, I love you and give you my trust.
Unfortunately, saying goodbye is just too much.

Dear West Virginia,

You have saved me from myself so many times. You have helped me realize many things about myself, and about others. You have convinced me that living in a big place with many people isn't always better, and it isn't always better with helping with lonliness. You have given me a chance to breathe FRESH air, with what seems like little impurities. You have showed me that my path is the best path for me and I shouldn't back down. You have given me a new view on life, and it's wonderful, beautiful natures and creations. And most importantly West Virginia, you have taught me that the simpler, more natural things in life deserve to be remembered and noticed.

For all these things, this state will always be close to my heart.

Shall I write a cute little jingle?

You have taught me to stay true.
Your green, green trees and sky so blue.
I love to go, I love to stay...
.....In West Virginia every day :D

"Baaaaaaaam"

Times- Tenth Avenue North

I don't know how, but these kids somehow wrote the greatest lyrics ever.

"I know I need you. I need to love you.
I love to see you, but its been so long.
I long to feel you. I feel this need for you.
And I need to hear you. Is that so wrong?
oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Now you pulled me near you, when we're close I fear you.
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done.
Are you done forgiving? Or can you look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending what I've become.
What have I become?
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh.
I hear you say "my love is over, its underneath, its inside, its in between."
The times you doubt me, when you can't feel.
The times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
The times you've broken, the times that you mend.
The times you hate me and the times that you bend.
Well my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace.
The times you're hurting, the times that you heal.
The times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal.
In times of confusion and chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm.
My love, I will keep you by my power alone.
I don't care where you've fallen, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you. My love never ends, it never ends.
mmm, mmm
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh"


THIS is my prayer to you. I wish everyone could experience and know Him. It's been life-changing and quite empowering. Even if you don't know God, He will always be there. There's no need to be ashamed because He always knows, He always hears, He always listens. These lyrics just put it all in place.

Lately

Things have been simpler. I don't feel as bogged down. PA helped me to find God in the right places instead of the wrong ones. Situations in
my life are easier to give over..and quite frankly I love it. I think I found myself again and I'm ready to show everyone I've changed. :) And Heather, thanks for giving me the love and support I've needed through all of this. You'll be in my heart always :) and thank you God for giving me all I need to succeed!

P.S. My own car! Let's go for a ride :D...after stick gets easier to use

Dear Kayla,

I was so glad to see you walking up to that stage to recieve one of the most important documents of your life. I've seen you grow and mature right before my own eyes. Your beauty, faith, strength, pride, and joy were something that always showed. I wish Lexi would have been around to see you be so successful and achieving your dreams. You're working so fast towards determing your future and I couldn't be more proud. I'm glad your father was there to share in the pride that every single one of your loved ones had/has for you. It's good to see where your roots are. Just remember that even after tonight, you will have so many great moments to rejoice in, and many more moments that will throw pride and determination your way. You will be thrown struggles that will only help you find a better path toward your future. Keep with you the lessons you learned at Jackson High School, the people that you found faith in, strength in, friendship in, love in and know those people will always remember and love you.

I am one of them.

Forever and ever and always your best friend,
Haylee<3

Jesus, Jesus

there's something about your name.

You deserve to know.

You make me happy, and deserve happiness of your own. I don't think I can continue to try to give you what you deserve because it's interfering with my own happiness. I love you. And I don't think I will ever feel different about our friendship. I hope you know you deserve the world. You do, and I know you don't believe me, but you're loved. And God loves you and I know he's proud. You've made great accomplishments. I'll always be here. Know that much. But right now, it's hard. things are hard. That's all really.

And hey kid, I miss you!

Quitting

could be the best thing I could've done. Better habits result in a better person, right?




I love you mom, I really do.
Heather and Megan, thank you.
Kayla, always down for change, thank you too.

It's just an easier road from here.

The point is...

I'm really going to miss you when we have to move on. It's typical with everyone, right? To miss who and what they grew up with. Jeani, i'll love you forever. Happy almost birthday. fifth birthday together :)

"When you turned away, when you slammed the door, when you stole the car and drove toward Mexico."

This feeling is terrible, this song brings it all pouring in. I think about memories, ones from the last few years. All the stories encompassed in these last few years that have led me to where I am. Picking up of habits, letting go of relationships, fixing ones that were broken, making someonthing of myself. I must say I know that many teenage girls "love" certain artists, or are quick to love every song that comes out as a hit..But Conor Oberst, my God, he's beautiful. :) His lyrics, his face, beautiful. His music brings me to tears.
People help you to realize your purpose. The people I have continue to do that. And I love it.

"Ill be your strength. I'll give you hope, keeping your faith when it's gone. The one you should call when you're standing there all alone."
Backstreet Boys <3 Ha

Megan-

I never realized the girl who would come in late, always claiming to come from swimming to driving school would end up being so close to me.

Now that you're here, it'd be crazy if you left. "I go where you go" and you've truly made that promise. I adore you in all the greatest ways, your sense of humor, your comfortability with me, the way you put yourself out there, your odd-ball sense of personality, and your compassion for somoeone like me. You have told me outright all the things that could make somebody melt, and you're never afraid to admit that or stand up for me. Our relationship growing has been the best thing for me this year, and it's all because of you.

You make for great memories, you remind me how great it is to get to know someone completely new, and you respect all the choices I've made and do make. You don't give me crap, but better yet, help me to make better decisions. You have a great way of making people laugh, but you still show me your calm, caring side, and it's something I greatly admire.

Yes, you are so strong, you don't have to do much to prove that to me. You keep the people important to you close, and the memories of them closer. You are someone I look up to. I don't idealize you, because you are the best you I could ever meet. I don't have regrets about you, it's been the best choice ever. I don't hope, wish, or doubt, because I know in my heart you care.

So thank you, for giving me reassurance, for loving me, accepting me, enjoying life with me, changing me. These are the moments I won't ever forget.

I love you so much, and will always keep you close to my heart.

No Lies, Just Love, right?

No lies, I'm terrified. Just love, yours is what I need.
I want to bury all this, leave it all behind me.

Lime Tree-Bright Eyes,
it brings tears to my eyes.
You should watch it.

I pray to God, I find a purpose in the hectic outcome of this situation.
You all help bring me faith.
And it's what I want you to know.

And Dear Megan,
Happy flippin' birthday. Thanks for putting yourself in my life. Without you, life would be so much less enjoyable. And you bring comfort to this situation. I love you, I do. :)

Things on my mind as of now.

-My heart.
-The future.
-Hospital.
-First night home.
-Break's almost over.
-Julie.
-Josh.
-Surgery?
-Lost.
-Strength.
-Weakness.
-80 degrees.
-Tan.
-Myrtle Beach. Now.
-Last summer.
-Smiles.

:)

Kayla,

Don't know when, but you'll probably end up reading this.




Life isn't good, without you living.

It's like..

the fear of striking out is keeping me from playing this game.
Although you were the first to engage, before I even knew your name.
Now we're in this together, don't want to get out.
I see your pain, but don't know what it's about.
See, we play hide and seek like we're seven years old.
I want to show your worth, because you've never been told.
Please, please tell me why we are playing cat and mouse.
You're left sitting alone, in your blatanly empty house.
I want to make your life easier, oh, why can't you just see?
That the person who wants to be your other half, is the other half of me.

But you

deserve so much more.
Can I give it to you?

Life lately..

It has left me with a lot of question. Questions like what is my purpose? Should I pour my heart into someone not knowing if they'll be around for the long-run? Should I pour my heart into someone not knowing if they will do the same?

I want the motivation back that I had 2 months ago for loving God. I miss Chrysalis and the few people there that made me want to change.
Dear Abbie,
You have changed my life in the matter of those 3 days. Your personality, your love, your big heart, you. You have given me someone to relate with, someone to miss, someone to talk to about God. You are someone unique, someone I continue to rely on and will rely on in the future. You always make me smile, always make me feel better, always help heal and that's what I love about you. I appreciate you so much and only wish you knew how much you have meant to me since we've met. For everything, thank you. I love you.

Poetry.

My mind feels all intertwined,
like the whole rainforest hanging from their vines.
Like the day I hid from your thoughts,
hiding behind the bushes inside a cardboard box.
Your brain is like a kaleidoscope of different colors and dreams,
and you're just waiting for them to turn into reality instead of being make-believe.
I am determined to wrap you around my finger,
like thread around the spool you spin.
I will catch your attention, I will then begin to linger.
I am so determined, determined to not let you win.
I will leave you wondering inside yourself.
Because you left our anniversary picture on your dusty wooden shelf.
On the other end, I miss you because you are the easiest thing to miss.
I always knew I wouldn't leave, but you just had to insist.
Now hold on very tight to the things you shouldn't let go.
But let go easily of that come and go romance you meet at your next show.
Scream from your lungs like it's a party in the summer.
And when asked if you still need her, respond "I never once loved her."
The sunset you painted in your mind, it was so beautiful and yellow.
Just remember the dreams you had once your head has hit the pillow.

The Scientist-Coldplay

"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry.
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you.
Tell you I've set you apart.

Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions.
Oh, let's go back to the start."


Everyone of my good friends has kept me together in some way,
And to all of them, this is what I have to say.

Jeani- You always keep me together, in some way or anything. You never give up, you're always content, and I look up to you for that. You bring me confidence, and reassurance that I'm not all that bad. I know I can keep a friendship together because of you, and you have taught me many life lessons. You've been there with me, by my side, through all the rough parts of my recent life, and I appreciate it always. You're my best friend.

Kayla- I wouldn't have chosen anyone else. You know why? Because through all our trials and tribulations, we have pulled through and it's proven our strength. You are my sense of calm, and reassurance that everything will work out in the end. You have your past, I have mine. But our future together lets me know our pasts were all worth it. I will hold on to everything you are, and everything you say. You keep me together. I love you so much. You're my best friend.

Peyton- We always pull through. I know pulling us back together hasn't been the easiest, but I have lived for the moments I get to see me shine through you. You are the bright light that often lights my path and shines my way. I'm sure we both struggle sometimes, but you have to know that I won't leave. I have so much patience, and I'm willing to put it to use with you. Never underestimate how much I care, or love. because with you, I could say a million words. You keep me together and I love you.

Heather- I owe you so much appreciate. Appreciation that could pile up so high. Lately, you have brought back so much of my confidence. Confidence I didn't think I could get back. You may not see it, but you guide me in all the right directions. You may not think so, but you have changed me so much and molded me into a better person. You are my reason to keep working towards change. Good change. You inspire me, amaze me, overall are my path. And I honestly couldn't ask for anything better, or anyone else. My path is not properly lit without you walking next to me. And for everything you do in my life, thank you. I love you so so much. You are my best friend.

Lenuta- 13 or so years later, still best friends. You keep me in line. You care about me when I don't so much. You have so much reign on my life, and you contribute to many of the positive things I pursue. Your opinion has always mattered, and never once have I forgotten about you. We've popped in and out of each others' lives, but it's all been such a great experience. You've ALWAYS been there. Through everything. You know me inside and out without even trying, and you always make me laugh. Let's continue this experience, because it's been one hell of a ride. :D I love you so much. You're my best friend.

Megan- I have so much to say about you right now. You have changed me in so many ways the last few months. And everyday I have loved getting closer to you. I have basked in the glory of knowing I'm important to you. You're someone totally new to me. It's been only a few months, but some of the best few months of friendship I've had. No matter what I will always remember you as the girl who knows how to make me laugh, knows how to entertain, knows how to relate, knows how to give encouragement, and love. You have taught me that most love in general does not come easy, but is the best love to fight for. You bring out a lot of the best in me. You inspire me to inspire others, and you keep everything I say in mind, and take it to heart. Our deep talks are not something uncomfortable, or out of the ordinary, because you always make me feel so great. You always know when a hug would make me feel better, and you bring that to me. You comfort me and console me. You know how to get me happy, and how to get me in a good mood, and for everything you are, thank you. I've never met someone like you, and I would never regret this friendship. You'll always be close to my heart, hopefully into our future as well. I love you, Meg. :)

Finally, Abbie- You SO great. In so many ways that I know you don't realize, or feel confident in. We have spaced out conversation, but it's the best part of our friendship. It's crazy how similar we are, and how I relate to you more than anyone else. Something about your voice always makes me feel happy, and your hugs are the one thing I miss most when I go long periods without seeing you. I miss you all the time, but seeing you is the best thing ever. Your prayers, support, and friendship are some of the closest things to me, and I really appreciate all the things you've done to help point me in the right path. You guide me, inspire me, keep me on my toes. You contribute to my happy moods, and always know how to be there. I feel so comfortable with you. You have become so close to me since Chyrsalis, and I thank God all the time for it. You keep me going, and keep me together. Never forget how beautiful you are. Inside, outside, spiritually. You are inspiration for me, and I promise you that. I love you, and always will. Stay you. Because it's beautiful.


"....I've got all the love in the world."

On my mind...

-No more snow!?
-Beautiful weather.
-Spring
-Getting sleep.
-Being there
-And being reliable.
-Friendly's
-New friendship?
-Old friendship rebuilding.
-missing Abbie
-Missing Chrysalis.
-Beautiful best friends.
-Beautiful conversation.
-Beautiful night.

:)

To You

"But I promise you this.
I'll always look after you.
That's what I'll do.
...
My heart is yours.
It's you that I hold on to.
That's what I'll do.
But I know I was wrong,
And I won't let you down"
Sparks-Coldplay

You. You have changed my heart. You have changed my mind. You have changed my perspective, my opinion, my self-image. You have taken such a big piece of my heart to hold on to. You haven't let it go. And I hold on to you. You have such a big heart. And it shows. I see you shine so bright daily. But yet, you are told all but those things. Some things that make you smile are lacking, but it's not out of what you deserve, it's out of what the world wants to see of you. But through my eyes, you are so dominant. You have me wondering why good people don't get the best things in life. From what I have experienced of you, you deserve a different love. A love so strong that only the most special people can feel it. You deserve someone to be your strength. Someone to not leave you behind. You deserve the best of love, the best of friendship, but most of all, the best of care. And I want to give it to you. You have changed for yourself for the better. You're fighting to get the better part of you back. Change has already come, and it's the most beautiful part about you. You fight. And you fight hard. You have always fought for me, for my happiness, to be strength for me. You have helped me to fully appreciate what a best friend is. You have turned me around for the better, and now, even when things aren't exactly perfect, I will walk with you, by your side that is, through everything not-so-perfect, I'll stay by your side while others walk away, and stay by you, I won't walk away.
So know I love you, for all you are, were, and will become very soon.
You're so deserving of these things being said.
Never forget what you've been for me. <3

Do I?

Do I still make you proud? Do you well? Keep you satisfied?
Do you still think of me as strong?
Do you know how hard I've tried?
I miss your good praise and the way you used to read to me.
The way you gave me sympathy far beyond what anyone else could see.
The way you would read when there was not much else to do.
Let this future bring us memories anew.

:)
randomoscity:
Kayla, I love you.

Just know

I have tried my hardest for you.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in anger but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.
Love never fails.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Hearing these words preached to you, explaining love and all it's limits, explaining all it's rights because love does no wrong, is so great. I want to know what love is, what peoples' opinions of love are, what loves means. I wish I had the patience to read the Bible and know the answers to life's lessons the way this verse brings me answers. It's the definition of the person I would like to be, the way I would like to love someone. Hopefully I have been able to accomplish a few of things, even if not as fully as I have liked. I know that no one is perfect and that no relationship is quite the same. But, I do know that I would love to accomplish the goal of opening someone up to love, opening someone up to a great friendship. Not just a great friendship in its literal meaning, but great. Unexplainable, unfathomable, something hard not to love. I want to open someone up to change. Open them up to a new world, full of trust, and honesty. If I could always protect, always trust, always hope, and always preserve, I think I could move some small, but mighty mountains. I wish I could get the world to listen to the love that the people I focus on deserve.
No one could ever understand the love that these 4 people deserve. I won't limit it to 4, because there's definitely a bigger group of people I wish to reach, but 4 people specifically that have molded me into who I am because they are who they are. They may not understand, comprehend, or fathom, but change has come upon me and for all the right reasons. I no longer hide from my strengths, but rather shine out through my weaknesses. I no longer resist help, even though I continue to fight it sometimes. I no longer hold back my fear, pain, struggle, or tears, but rather let someone pull them out of me until I feel happiness.
Yes, I put myself through an unreasonable amount of blame, hate, fear, pain, and worry than I need to, but it's all for the right reasons, right? To succeed in making others feel the happiness I wish the whole world could feel. So, if you know me on more than just a friendly level, and know that I stress out a lot, worry a lot, and maybe get upset often, I hope you understand it's because I never want to let someone else feel that pain. I take it on because I know that I will handle it at some point. That's all really I guess, even though this "rant" is fairly long.

I love you.

And because I love writing so much..

Half mooned crescents and fully lit stars.
They light up this night sky.
And as we lay under this natural beauty,
You begin to cry and ask me why.
Why do things turn around and go the other way?
And why does God give humans so many wrong things to say?
But lay here with me longer, and I will try to explain.
I will explain that God does not make the wrong words, but He makes the right people for us.
...I will explain that if you give me your hand, I will give you my trust.
Yes, it has been hard.
And these years, they have been long.
But I swear under these stars, if you let me in, I will do my best to say nothing wrong.
You are one in a million, just like these stars above.
You are so very rare, like the feeling of an ideal love.
You have no clue, but you have changed who I am.
You could never ever fathom, but I want to be there more than anyone can.
Don't let anyone tell you you can't turn things around.
Because we're on a train towards the better, and it's future bound.
Hold on tight to the arm I provide, and don't turn around, run away, or hide.
You are love, and I am letting it fill my cup.
You have struggled, now let me be the one to fix you up.

I enjoy

the feeling I get when I know other people are happy.

I'm sorry if I could never make you happy, or ever keep you up.
I'm sorry if I gave too little, or never gave enough.
You were my air, and I only wanted to breathe all of you in.
Your presence made me happier than I have ever been.

I'm sorry if I was never with you enough, or sometimes let you down.
I'm sorry if I was inconvenient or never was around.
You were my light, so bright. You never ever burnt out.
Your guided path kept me focused and safe from any doubt.

I don't regret not saving you, or keeping you from the bottom.
I don't regret my letters, or loving you more than you could fathom.
I only wished to keep you happy, see you smile, make you laugh a bit.
And I hope you know I miss those things more than I could ever admit.

If you don't remember us, I hope you remember the concept of you and me.
If you don't remember why, I hope you remember what I used to see.
If you don't remember the beginning or the end, I hope you remember the very first day.
And if you don't remember anything, then what more can I say?

Things I'm Excited For.

-Figuring out my future with culinary school.
-The fact that HOOTS really didn't get cancelled.
-Driving to Asbury with Amanda and seeing Abbie once we get there.
-Candlelight on Sunday.
-Getting sleep tonight.
-To talk to Peyton once she gets off work.
-The day my body decides not to be clutzy.
-My interview at Friendly's on Monday.
-Seeing my dad next weekend.
-Hopefully seeing Sam and Jeani and Nina this weekend.
-Working the banquet with Kiosha and Lee on Monday night and getting paid for it.
-The opportunity to make money.
-Serving the Boys tomorrow on there Chrysalis flight and watching them all fly.
-Watching Chopped on the Food Network.
-An hour car trip all on my own.
-Being back at Asbury.
-And oh, did I mention being with everyone at HOOTS tomorrow? :D

"And Heaven knows, Heaven knows I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do, it would be a lie to run away.
So blood is fire pulsing through our veins.
We're either riders or fools behind the reigns.
I've spent ten years trying to sing it all away, but the water keeps on falling from my tries."
-Jon Foreman

February 11,

And today was NOT a snow day, unfortunately.

But if we're being honest, we all know I prefer Almost Heaven. :)

<-------

The day went faster than planned, and it was nice.

So, laying here I realized that life does not wait around for you to figure out what your next move will be. It does not slow down, rewind, or fast foward. Life is not easy, nor is it hard. Obviously I know that if life had rewind play fast foward and stop buttons, life would not be what it was created to be. But how is it to really, truly accept life as it is. Don't we all want to have the power to create life as we plan it in our minds? To personally hold each situation in your hands, careful not to drop it, and mold it into what works for you? What if life really was what we made it? Who would be your friend, your enemy, your love?

Well, as much as many situations in my life don't often work out in a favor I prefer, I am happy to admit my life has very much so been worth living.

For every lost opportunity,

every goodbye,

more importantly every hello,

Every decision,

and all the moments I felt alive...

Thank you.

I wouldn't have chosen to live this life without you.

It's Been Awhile

But my internet is finally back.
Things have been fine, but stressful.
School, finding a job, friendships.
But today, is my birthday. :)
And today will be good.
I've been up since 5:30 due to the fact that I thought we would have school, but really we don't. Snow day on my birthday? Whaaat?
I'll get a day with everyone, and everything will be good.
Current thought on my mind: Why do hampsters have to be nocturnal? :)

If you read this, my birthday wish: Conor Oberst, here and now.

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I weren't so worried about letting go. Easier most likely. But what does it take to really let go, ya' know? Forgive? Forget? Remember? I'm not too sure, but the days I think about it, I begin to wonder...What if we all could just forgive?